Why Opening a Relationship After Cheating Rarely Works
Imagine a monogamous couple. Things are going great, the relationship feels like everything they could ever dream of until one partner confesses they have been cheating. They are terribly sorry, but they have a solution. They could open the relationship. This way they can keep seeing the person they are sleeping with, but the lying will stop. Maybe the cheating partner insists they have struggled with monogamy their whole life, that they just are not built for it, and they do not think they can continue in a monogamous relationship.
The other partner is devastated but thinks, we have kids, divorce is not an option, or even maybe this could work, I have unmet needs too.
Yet this is often a mistake.
The Illusion That Opening Will Fix Things
There are stories where someone says, I cheated, we opened, and it has been great. Those stories exist. But for most people, this move does not solve the real issue.
Why? Because the problem is not just about monogamy or non monogamy. It is about agreements.
Agreements Are at the Core of Every Relationship
Life is full of agreements. Some are spoken and discussed, others are assumed. For example, when you take a job, it is assumed you will show up on time. A good employee would not just decide to stroll in late because mornings are hard, life has changed, and they are not a morning person anymore. If they did, most of us would expect the boss to fire them, not only for being late but for unilaterally deciding the agreement no longer mattered without a conversation.
If that same employee instead approached their boss and said, I cannot come in at 9 AM anymore because … maybe the boss would agree to adjust their start time. Maybe they would not. Either way, the employee would have respected their team and likely preserved their professional relationships.
Life is full of these dynamics. We are always in relationships that involve agreements. Cheating is deciding unilaterally in a romantic relationship that the agreement does not apply anymore. It is saying, I know what we agreed to, but I am going to do what I want instead.
Non Monogamy Requires the Same Skills
In non monogamy, agreements matter just as much. In fact, some would argue they matter more because the couple builds them from scratch. Successful non monogamous relationships are built on making agreements, keeping them, and having the self awareness and courage to renegotiate when you cannot.
If someone cheats, the core problem was never that they could not do monogamy. It is that they could not honor the agreements they made with their partner. Opening the relationship does not fix that problem. It only creates more agreements for them to break.
The real work is understanding why they did not respect the original agreements in the first place.
It All Comes Down to Communication
Sometimes people claim, I could not control myself. Sex can consume people’s thoughts about relationships, but whether you are monogamous or non monogamous, success is not about sex. It is about self awareness, communication, and the ability to make and honor agreements.
Without those, both monogamy and non monogamy become miserable. With them, either structure has a chance to thrive.