The Misconception
A lot of people come into non-monogamy with a monogamous mindset. The thinking goes: I want to sleep with other people. I don’t want to be a cheater, so I’ll just get my partner’s permission and do what I want.
But that’s not how any of this works.
If what you want is to cheat—to prioritize your own desires without care for your partner’s needs—then honestly, just go cheat. I’m not endorsing that. But let’s stop pretending that ethical non-monogamy is a free pass for selfish behavior. Because it’s not. In fact, it requires more effort, not less.
Cheating vs. Non-Monogamy
Cheating is about disengaging from your partnership. It’s about ignoring your partner’s emotional experience. It’s not just about meeting unmet needs elsewhere. It’s about not caring enough to do the work of meeting your partner with honesty and accountability.
Non-monogamy, done right, is the opposite of that. It’s about tending to, caring for, and actively nurturing multiple relationships. It means showing up fully for each one. That’s a lot of emotional labor. That’s a lot of communication, time, and presence.
More Work, Not Less
If you’re already neglecting your current relationship, if you’ve stopped investing energy into it, non-monogamy is not going to solve that. It’s going to make it worse. Adding more relationships means adding more responsibilities—more people who need care, attention, and communication.
Even if you’re just interested in casual sex or one-night stands, you still have to show up. You still have to be respectful. You still have to take responsibility for how your choices affect others.
The Fantasy vs. The Reality
That’s why it’s frustrating to see people treating non-monogamy as a get-out-of-jail-free card. Especially when they’re coming from a place of pain—like a sexless marriage—and want to “try opening things up” without asking the harder questions.
- Why is your marriage sexless?
- What’s your part in that dynamic?
- What have you avoided addressing?
- Why are you still in the relationship?
There are valid reasons to stay: finances, caregiving, co-parenting, emotional history. But you need to be honest—with yourself and your partner—about what your relationship really is. You both need to agree on the story before you start inviting anyone else into it.
The Truth About Non-Monogamy
Even if you go the “don’t ask, don’t tell” route, you’re still involving other people. They’re still part of your relationship ecosystem. They still deserve clarity and care.
What so many people don’t realize is that non-monogamous communities—especially ones rooted in ethical non-monogamy—tend to have higher standards than monogamous ones. These are not spaces where you get to run wild without consequences. These are spaces where you are expected to be transparent, emotionally literate, and accountable.
That’s not sexy to everyone.
The Real Road
Non-monogamy isn’t all sex parties and hot people and orgasms. It’s shared calendars. It’s uncomfortable conversations. It’s Google Docs. It’s therapy. It’s sitting with your jealousy and dealing with your stuff.
Yes, it can be expansive and deeply fulfilling. But the cost is growth. The cost is work.
Personally, for all the good sex I’ve had in non-monogamy, I’ve been challenged way more than I’ve been titillated.
Start With Yourself
So if you’re looking to open your relationship because something’s not working, that’s fine. But start with the relationship you’re in. Ask the hard questions. Own your part. Get honest.
And don’t use non-monogamy as a way to avoid the growth you actually need.
Because non-monogamy isn’t an escape hatch.
It’s a deeper level of the same game.